Beitoni ... by ... Gideon Sahibgi

(known to us as Deon Volschenk ... ), Islamabad

I was very touched to read in a recent SRA that colleagues appear to have a burning interest in the Official Residence in Islamabad (I wonder why)? However, I regret that I am unfortunately not able to oblige. Why not? you might exclaim in disappointed unison - I hasten to explain: Like in the dark and dingy dives of the demi-monde, where (I understand) it is sometimes whispered, brassily, that "a house is not necessarily a home, lover boy!" so too, in the course of refined diplomatic exchanges, it is sometimes, rather snidely, remarked that a "house is not necessarily an Official Residence, cellency".

"In what then, do you live?" you might ask: To reply, "in an 'Ampskrot'" might sound ungrateful and could alarm the Admin. Desk that has thus far, very kindly,been approving large sums for an Official Residence in Islamabad. I have, therefore, after giving the subject much thought, coined what I believe to be a descriptive name for the house that my wife and I currently occupy.

Colleagues will know where Benoni is and they might also know that "Benoni" is a Hebrew name that means "son of my sorrow." Doing a bit of word juggling, and in the process possibly corrupting the Hebrew language, I have come up with the name  "Beitoni" - "House of my sorrow" - for what will eventually become the Official Residence.

Why "Beitoni" you would most probably want to know? (I don't mind all these questions) I hasten to explain again: After looking at more than 80 houses, we found a brand new one, in the last phases of construction, that would make a splendid Official Residence. A contract was signed on 9 February 1994. 'That was when our problems began.

I repeat that it is a splendid house, but being new to the country there were many things that we had to learn about when dealing with local landlords, suppliers and workmen, the most important and frustrating of which was learning about the local perception of time.

Colleagues will all be aware of the Spanish word "manana" and what it means. Others will also be aware of the Latin American version of the word, which means about a week or so later. The Arabists. in the Department will know the Arabic word "Bukhra" which also means "tomorrow", but without the sense of urgency implied by the Latin American maiiana. The Pakistan version of maiiana has even less urgency than "bukhra!" In Urdu the word for maiiana is "kal", but it is also the word that is used for yesterday: Tunewise, the Urdu speakers inPakistan clearly do not know whether they are coming or have gone, and this shortcoming is very evident in the deadlines that they keep or the promises that they make. Local workmen often tend to invoke the help of the Almighty when making promises - "tomorrow Inshallah", which means "tomorrow, God be willing". The phrase on rare occasions does mean "tomorrow", but more often than not it means "you have no option but to wait until we get around to it", and here I have found no definable limit.

Needless to say Beitoni was not ready by 1 March 1994, and I will not bore readers with what transpired between myself, the landlady and her, workmen between then and 6 May 1994, the date on which we eventually, after dire threats of withholding rent, claiming damages, speaking to the Prime Minister etc, moved in. Suffice it to say that the latter date marked the beginning of the next phase of our trials and tribulations.

An inquisitive neighbour told me that Beitoni had taken more than two years to complete and this was very evident when the workmen tried to clean two years of accumulated grime and neglect from the white marble floors. We contracted, at the landlady's cost, a "specialist" firm of cleaners to fIX up the floor. 

The latter came in and poured gallons of swimming pool acid over the floors. I need not explain what happens when acid is poured onto marble. The result was a brown mess that the "specialists" could not restore. Another firm was called in, with similar results. A month later a third firm was able, with the help of an apparatus that sprayed marble sludge around the house as effectively as the muckspreaders that British farmers use to spread manure over their fields, to restore the floors into pristine condition. While the floor restoration was going on, it rained and, of course, we discovered, to our dismay, that Beitoni's roof leaked. This brought another firm of specialists into the picture.

In order to seal the roof these specialists poured gallons of tar onto it and then left it for a few weeks "to dry". It did not rain again, but Pakistan then experienced its honest spell of summer in recorded history. The black tar-covered roof turned Beitoni into an efficient solar heated oven that cooled down to no less than 40° C at night. This problem was solved a few weeks later when the experts finished the job with tons of polypropylene sheets, sand, cement and red tiles. The only problem with this solution for our solar heating problem was that the sand, cement etc. also blocked a few drains and when the monsoon arrived, which it did with a vengeance, we had a splendid waterfall, somewhat reminiscent of Victoria or Niagara, in the kitchen and a flood of brown sludge in the study

.

Fortunately marble floors don't warp and hallway carpets dry out very well in the sun. But painted walls do not appreciate wetness and we await another team of specialists to fix the peeling walls.

Before Mr Jan Botha faints at the thought of who is paying for all this work, I hasten to set his mind at rest - the landlady is paying! I have withheld sufficient funds from the advance rent payment to cover these expenses. A sage once remarked that you get clever 100 early and wise 100 late; we have now grown wise to local conditions, having paid our school fees in frustration and inconvenience.

Needless to say that, apart from the inauguration reception which was held on the-ground in front of an empty Beitoni, we have thus far not been able to do any entertaining, official or otherwise, at the house,but that is not solely the house's fault There have also been some glitches in other places: It has taken five months to get the furniture both approved by Head Office and manufactured by Messrs. Decent Furniture. The last pieces of furniture should be ready in a week or two. In addition to this there has also been a glitch or two in Pretoria when the household equipment was air freighted to Islamabad. We received nine flower vases, big enough to cook putu for 200 people, if they could be used for thispurpose, but no cooking pots, tea cups or teaspoons. Most of the Royal Doulton has arrived now and we await with bated breath the arrival of the official silver.

The lack of space and the fear of boring my readers do not allow me to go into greater detail on our many experiences in getting established (and here one should bear in mind that we have also had to establish a Chancery with similar frustrating ordeals), but suffice it to say that we are approaching the end of the tunnel and we should soon be able to proclaim rapturously from the (waterproof) rooftop that we have an Official Residence - Inshallah ... ! 

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