Post report Pretoria 1956

By John Mills and John Selfe

It is not easy, when reading the reports submitted from overseas in terms of Circular DA ST-1 to miss the note of wistful nostalgia which seems to pervade them. It has occurred to us that this may indicate a subconscious desire for a posting at Head Office and it has therefore been thought desirable to provide a picture of living conditions in Pretoria in this Centenary Year. The material that is set out hereunder is the result of painstaking research, and it is hoped to be of great assistance to those about to return to Meintjeskop.

(1)   LIVING CONDITIONS

(a)      Food General

The following are regarded as staple commodities abroad;

Caviar

Oysters

Filets mignon

Scotch (a) salmon  (b) whisky

Napoleon brandy

Havana cigars

These are alleged to be available in the Union, but this first-hand experience is questionable, and prices are therefore unknown. Staple commodities in Pretoria are the following:

               Brown bread:   7½ d. per loaf

               Milk:  6 d.   per pint

               Mealie meal: 2/7½ d.  per 10 lbs.

               Boerewors: 2/1½ d. d per lb.

(b)   Housing conditions

Upon returning to Pretoria all officers go to the Union Hotel where they stay for a period of

 one to six days. Accounts are presented on Fridays and on the first Saturday after their return officers and their families move to the Vandermer Hotel which these days plays the role of

            Then they start looking for a place to rent, delighted at last to be away a country where the universal hobby is robbing the foreigner. Alas though no longer foreigners they find the hobby has spread to Pretoria too. The two or three places the officer thinks might be suitable his wife won’t look at. (No loggias, dear, and only two bathrooms.”), and what she recommends would absorb about 65% of what he has just discovered to his horror to be his salary. Finally in despair they decide to buy a house on the never-never; for sale again when they are posted, of course, and join the growing colony on the lower slopes of Waterkloof who have already been through the process. As no one expects ever to be sent abroad again from this area, no comment on the resale possibilities can be offered. Should the officer have the exceptional good luck to find just what he wants to live in after reaching Pretoria he will of course immediately find himself on the (Parliamentary) Session staff.

(c)    Hotel, Boarding-house and Restaurant Prices

Well, unaffordable.

(d)   Food and Price Controls

Food is controlled entirely by its price.

(e)   Water, Gas and Electricity

Water is frequently precipitated from the Pretoria skies, sometimes in solid form … hail, which is not very welcome. Gas is not much used except by dentists and filling the tanks of the cars of officers who have recently returned from the States. The local electric current is reputed to be 23- 250 volts A.C. but returning officers will find that no matter where they have been stationed, their gadgets never work properly in Pretoria. One of the favourite games played in Head Office is known as the Plugtop Pastime consists of trying to persuade the Accounts Section of this.

(f)    Rubbish Removal

The policy of not removing rubbish remains unchanged. A steady stream is received from overseas, mostly by diplomatic bag, but all is absorbed by the Registry, which has recently acquired an additional room (Annex) to cope with the overflow.

(g)    Telephone Charges

As all officers seem to remember only after getting to the office what they had to telephone the butcher, garage etc. about, and in consequence find themselves compelled to use their office phones for the purpose, it has proved impossible to establish precisely what the charges are.

(h)    Municipal rates and taxes.

Taxes are not used by Head Office staff – see Transportation facilities at (j) below. The rates will depend on the vintage of the tjorrie concerned.

(i)     Coal and firewood

For most of the year while the weather is warm, officers do not consider buying fuel. When the cold snap comes there is always a shortage in Pretoria and they are not able to buy any. They then break up the planks from the packing cases brought from abroad which have not already been used for home-made furniture or seized by PWD.

(j)     Transportation facilities

Officers returning for duty at Head Office are advised to dispose of their Packards and Jaguars in the countries where they were stationed. Car with less aristocratic lineage can be brought back without occasioning comment and disposed of in the Union to best advantage. A portion of the profit can then be employed for acquiring a tjorrie, which should not be less than a four-seater, in order for the owner to become a member of a lift club on an economically … basis

(k)    Medical and Dental.

Experience will very soon demonstrate to the newly returned officer that is inadvisable to return sick or to add to his family while at Head Office.

(l)     Climate and more than Ordinarily Prevalent Diseases

Although the climate in Pretoria is bracing the following diseases are endemic:

Delirium pestens   The onset of this disease can generally be predicted to occur two to four years after return from abroad. Symptoms begin to manifest during the Session and increase in severity until January of the following year or until the postings become known. Patients then undergo and brief but passionate spasm vulgarly known as “blowing a fuse” which results in an immediate drop in temperature and a slow return to normal. Friendly relations are resumed with the Staff Section until May or June when the cycle recommences in an increasingly malignant form. Suggested treatment: isolation from patients similarly affected; colleagues should avoid commenting on symptoms; applications of Staff Section Soothing Syrup at intervals recommended. N.B. The frequent application aggravates the malady.

Directivitis  Occupational disease of the International Organisations, Political, Africa and Economic Sections. Attacks though severe are only of brief duration. During the height of the attack secondary effects are felt in the Typing and Coding Sections and the Registry. Suggested treatment: withdrawal from all international organisations.

Promotiomyelitis or Incremental Date Fixation. Little is known of the disease, which seems to be localised in origin. A preliminary symptom is normally an attack of tweetaligheid, during which patients tend to congregate in anxious groups and conduct quiz sessions. The Staff Section is treated with exaggerated deference; this however, a temporary condition, and normal relations are restored when the disease is successfully overcome. At least one attack per term of duty at Head Office is the norm. Prognosis is generally favourable, though subsidiary attacks of delirium pestens occasionally occur. Suggested treatment: resignation.

(m)  Special Clothing

Officers and their families are advised to bring back with them as much in the way of hard-wearing clothing as they can, to tide them over their spell at headquarters. Snow shoes, lederhosen, yachting-caps, bowler hats and tartan waistcoats may safely be left behind. N.B. Bow ties are out. (Sartorial note)

(n)   Availability of servants and wages payable

Scene: An untidy house

Officer’s wife: “The maid has given notice.”

Officer: “ But we haven’t paid the maid.) (Joke)

(o)   Availability and cost of furniture

      See comment under (e) above.

(p)   Inflationary and deflationary trends

The officer returning from hobnobbing with Ambassadors and exchanging ideas on the formulation of national policy over liqueurs and cigars with Well-Informed Circles in Ruritania immediately finds his responsibility and discretion limited to signing reminders. This is very deflationary. He will also discover that what he used to buy for 8/6 now costs a Pound (Diminishing Returns), but that he is only paid 8/6 for every Pound he needs (Inelasticity od Demand). This restricts his Purchasing Power, and he contributes unwillingly, if unwittingly, to reducing the Cost of Living. To begin with, however, he spends a pound for every 8/6 he earns (Over-investment) and entertains the Ruritanian representative on liquor and cigars bought on C.S.M.A.A. This is the beginning of the Vicious Spiral that ends in the Bank Manager’s private office with a lecture on the difference between Currency and Credit. After squaring the Bank Manager by flogging the “souvenirs” he smuggled home he tries entertaining his Ruritanian friend on coffee and Marie biscuits (Under-Compensation). This terminates his relations with Ruritania, and leaves his family utterly deflated.

(q)   Foreign Exchange Controls

In Pretoria one is so fully occupied with trying to meet “essential financial commitments in the Union” in local currency that foreign exchange is a matter of purely academic interest.

(r)    Schooling

Oh yes, the little dears get sent to school. If it serves another purpose it gets them off their mother’s hands for a few hours each day!

(2)   SOCIAL

(a)   Official Social Activities

Head Office is divided into two groups: those whose names do not appear in the “list’ and who spend their evenings wishing they were sometimes invited to diplomatic parties, and those whose names do appear and spend their time wondering how the deuce to get out of going to diplomatic parties.

(b)   Protocol

It is usual for an officer returning from abroad to pay calls on the following:

(1)    The Collector of Customs who will take a surprising interest in his personal possessions, particularly to such items as miniature bottles; full-sized bottles also attract his attention.

(2)    The Bank Manager who at this stage will be delighted to see him (and the dollars he has managed to bring with him.)

(3)    The Departmental Accountant who will, almost without exception hand him an advance on S and T (subsistence and travel allowance). This will serve to lull him into a false sense of security.

(4)    His colleagues who will ask him if he is happy in the Service.

In due course, the following may be expected to pay calls on the returning officer:

(1)    The Receiver of Revenue, Pretoria. Why didn’t you remember to send those forms in?

(2)    The Traffic Cop, who will want to know why the officer was seen driving down Church Street at midnight on the right-hand side of the road. It is amusing how thin the officer’s excuse sounds.

(3)    The Departmental Accountant with a list of disallowances, over-payments, unauthorised drawings, etc., etc., substantially in excess of the original advance. The officer will realise that it would have been cheaper to stay where he was – but it’s too late now, my friend, it’s TOO LATE!

(4)    His colleagues will ask him if he is still Happy in the Service.

So much for the protocol applicable to returned officers. There is of course a highly specialised Protocol Section which is often in full dress to deal with foreign diplomats. V.I.P.’s etc. It now contains Von Schirnding to talk German, Houzé to talk French, Cronje to talk Dutch and Best to talk Canadian. (English and Afrikaans are also occasionally heard); and with a new Head (sorry Chef) as well, it may justly be held to be more broadly based than ever before.

                                                                 3)   GENERAL

(a)   Taxes and duties

Duties at Head Office tax all the resources of the officer stationed there and sometimes even his imagination too.

(b)   Diplomatic or Consular Privileges

These are of course not enjoyed, though we did hear once of an officer who said he thought it was a privilege to work in Pretoria. (He had just heard that there was a possibility of a Mission being opened in Madagascar.)

(c)    Sports Facilities

There are unfortunately very few facilities in Pretoria for indulging in those sports at which officers abroad will have become adept, such as skiing, ocean yachting, curling, pelota and deer-stalking; and those who have become masters of tossing the caber will find it has ruined their prospects at jukskei. There are of course other sports which are played at Head Office, the most popular perhaps being Passing the Buck. (Afrikaans Bok-Bok).

(d)   Sea or Air Fares to the Union

Head Office personnel are only interested in fares from the Union.

(e)   Office Accommodation

Approximately 83 officers of the Department are serving abroad. By a curious coincidence it would be just possible to accommodate them at Head Office - on an exchange basis.

(f)    Scarcities peculiar to the post.

Money.

But after all you shouldn’t have joined the service if you can’t take a joke!