Moscow - Traffic rules

Steve McQueen, Moscow

Meintjeskop Courier  Volume 1, 1994

In every city there are generally accepted driving rules and practices which are designed to guide a newcomer to its roads and highways. So too is the case in Moscow. If the Russian language is not your forte and you are concerned about having to read the traffic rule book of Moscow, never fear. Based upon close observations and equally close encounters, we are able to offer the following driving rules for the Russian Capital:

When approaching a red traffic light, immediately change lanes, irrespective of the direction in which you must proceed subsequently. Once you have passed through a green traffic light, immediately change lanes once more, irrespective of your intended direction of travel, even if you are already in the correct lane.

Always travel in the fastest moving lane and make every possible attempt to get into such a lane, once again, irrespective of your subsequent needs to turn. Continue to weave at the highest possible speed from lane to lane until you are sure that your lane is the fastest moving one. If this lane subsequently slows down, move again quickly until you are satisfied.

If you observe another driver trying to apply this rule, or having the gall to try and overtake you, immediately block his path. Even if you are in no particular hurry, on principle, continue to accelerate until it becomes clear to the other driver that you deserve to be in front.

If your turn-off is some way ahead, do not waste time by trying to get into the appropriate lane. Avoid this temptation at all costs. Rather move into the lane furthest from the turning lane and speed past until about ten feet from the turn-off. Then, hit the brakes sharply and, without  indicating, force your way directly in front of all the other vehicles, hooting indignantly until you edge the vehicle currently in the turn, off the road and are able to make your turn.

If, by your own negligence, you find yourself in a queue waiting to turn, even if you yourself have to make that turn, hoot again furiously a few times, and then swing out directly in front of the traffic in the next lane and speed past the queue until you are right next to the vehicle in front of the queue. Cut him off, and ensure that yours is the car in front of the queue. The other driver has no rights and besides, he is probably inferior to you.

If you are unable to cut off the driver in front of a turning queue, simply make an additional lane of your own. There is no need to concern yourself about the illegality of this manoeuvre, for very soon, other cars will begin to form up behind you. Just beware of being cut off yourself.

Bear in mind the immutable law that your rate of acceleration must increase the closer you get to your destination. Having only five feet between your destination or a potential parking spot should not be allowed to interfere with the increasing speed of your vehicle.

Should your vehicle stall for any reason, even on a major highway, make no effort to remove the vehicle. In fact, leave your vehicle exactlywhere it stands. The other traffic is bound by their respect for you to avoid unpleasantness. This rule also applies in cases where you might need to top up with petrol or even service your car. stop the car in the middle of all the lanes, this is very important, and leisurely fill up the tank if you have petrol handy, or simply carry out a few repairs. If you do not have petrol handy, or you discover that you need a spare part, do not under any circumstances move the vehicle. Leave it right thereand go in search of petrol or spare parts.

Should you come upon another stalled vehicle in the middle of the road, stop directly behind him for about ten minutes.

Soon a queue will form behind you. Then, hoot loudly, making obscene gestures and hurling verbal abuse at him, and turn, with no indication (of course) into the next lane. Other cars will follow you, but with this tried and tested formula you will have succeeded in being in front of all the other vehicles.

Good luck, and happy driving.